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as i sit here reading over my other entries, i find so much fact in it that it scares me. i cut myself, but now have become bored with that. it's proably bad. but i trying to accpet the fact that my life is not meant to achieve anyhing for me; see, now i realize i mean nothing. so why even bother trying to live?
November 28th, 2008
August 1st, 2008
i hate my life. i have cut myself, but what others would not consider serious injuries, and i have thought of suicide soo many times. and if i had courage, id already be dead. i mean, no one cares about me, i hate my father and i have made it blatently obvious but yet everyone keeps trying to get me to be nicer and HE WON"T FUCKING LEAVE and i really, really hate my life. i mean, i. want. to. die. i am a misanthropist and disguested by myself and every other human, i have become completly anti-social and have almost no frieds and have a vauge feeling i am going to loose them all. my parents think of me as a dumb child along with the rest of the world and make every god damn fucking decision for me and i really hate it i mean, if someone were to hand me a gun and tell me to shoot myself, i would. and i think im in love with one of my cousins (im adopted, as well, so i think my brain hasn't made the connection that were related, but now that i think about it, i don't love him, i just want someone to love me enough that they would go against everything that is right to be with me but thats never going to happen because im fat and ugly and i ..i don't know, but no one could ever love me and thats all i ever wanted, to fall in love and have a family and. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!
stressedMay 28th, 2008
ok, so i am lucky enough to live near thomas jefferson high school, the number 1 ranked high school in america. so i applied. i passed the initial test, but i completly screwed up on the application, and i am so pissed off because i got rejected. and everywhere i go, people talk about how great a school it is, and it makes me sooo mad. i really wanted to go, but i didn't get in, and now im starting to get depressed. yeah, the school i will go to is good, it was ranked 88, but im just soo mad! it makes me sad when people talk about it or when i read about it. i had the best oppertunity in the world and i god damn fucking blew it, and i don't know what to do with my life anymore. god, i wanna kill myself..i can't believe i did that.....
crappyApril 25th, 2008
ok, so i think i have a sub form of ocd because i will be completly obbsessive with something for random periods of time. like, with csi miami, i liked it obbsessivly for about a month. i mean, i had my mom buy all the seasons, i was making tributes. i was even looking for jewlery the characters wore that i could were. i mean, with pirates of the carribean, i bought the movies and i bought a necklace of davy jone's key. i havn't gotten this officially diagnosed, but i think i have a form of ocd and i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! i mean, now i am obseesing over jurassic park. in about a week and a half i bought both books, all three movies, and have already downloaded the first movie and have ideas for about 5 dedications. i already made one. i am sooooo pissed! i have no idea what to do, and i think it is starting to affect my mental health. i am always looking for connections in everyday life. but here's the scary part; i create plot fantasies where i am in the story, and then i start thinking about them almost constantly. because i have seen all the movies and read all the books, i have resorted to fanfiction. this is fine, except i will spend hours, litterally hours reading fanfictions.
i become to absorbed in my fantasies, and each fantasy derives from one of my obessesions. i put off my homework, studying, everything to 'live' in my fantasies. it's really messing up my mind. i have started to hate my life because it doesn't fill in with my adventure-filled fantasies. so many times i have thought of suicide, thinking my life suks. in a sense, it does. because of my fantasies, i now feel like i should be 'above everyone else' even though i don't think so. i absolutly hate myself because i physically can not tear myself away from my fantasies and put myself in reality. i cannot. it's fustrating! i have only told one friend about this. then again, i have never told anyone i ever thought of suicide, or that i hate myself. which leads me to the point of my apperance. im fat, and it really bugs me. honestly, the weirdest person at my school (who is my friend) gets more respect from the 'preps' than me. and that makes me feel COMPLETLY self-conscience. im fat, and i am always thinking about stuff like anorexia. but i cannot do anything i think about, like anorexia. and so i get depressed.
now that i think about it, i think i have slpit personality disorder or bipolar disorder. sometimes, and for no random reason, i will get really mad. before i go to bed, i will be really depressed because i think back on my life then. but when i am with my friends, i am almost completly happy. it's almost immpossible for me to be serious around them.
another thing i just have to add. i have a major crush on someone since the end of fifth grade. we used to be on the same oddysey of the mind team for two years. then, in the middle of seventh grade, we stopped talking. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW? and i think the guy i had a small crush on likes me (a little)
i don't know what to do with me life. i both hate it and somewhat like it. im torn, and i am completly lost. what am i suppose to do?
i become to absorbed in my fantasies, and each fantasy derives from one of my obessesions. i put off my homework, studying, everything to 'live' in my fantasies. it's really messing up my mind. i have started to hate my life because it doesn't fill in with my adventure-filled fantasies. so many times i have thought of suicide, thinking my life suks. in a sense, it does. because of my fantasies, i now feel like i should be 'above everyone else' even though i don't think so. i absolutly hate myself because i physically can not tear myself away from my fantasies and put myself in reality. i cannot. it's fustrating! i have only told one friend about this. then again, i have never told anyone i ever thought of suicide, or that i hate myself. which leads me to the point of my apperance. im fat, and it really bugs me. honestly, the weirdest person at my school (who is my friend) gets more respect from the 'preps' than me. and that makes me feel COMPLETLY self-conscience. im fat, and i am always thinking about stuff like anorexia. but i cannot do anything i think about, like anorexia. and so i get depressed.
now that i think about it, i think i have slpit personality disorder or bipolar disorder. sometimes, and for no random reason, i will get really mad. before i go to bed, i will be really depressed because i think back on my life then. but when i am with my friends, i am almost completly happy. it's almost immpossible for me to be serious around them.
another thing i just have to add. i have a major crush on someone since the end of fifth grade. we used to be on the same oddysey of the mind team for two years. then, in the middle of seventh grade, we stopped talking. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW? and i think the guy i had a small crush on likes me (a little)
i don't know what to do with me life. i both hate it and somewhat like it. im torn, and i am completly lost. what am i suppose to do?
frustrated